Talking Emotional Intelligence with Lisa Stott

As a developer and distributor of health products, we are committed to our clients’ well-being and always look for opportunities to share information, news, and stories to help them improve their physical, mental, and emotional health. That is why we were so excited to sit down and chat with certified emotional intelligence coach, master practitioner in neuro-linguistic programming, mother of two, and children’s book author Lisa Stott.

And what better occasion than International Women’s Day—a global day that celebrates women’s social, economic, cultural, and political achievements—to introduce you to someone who works with women in business to help them feel emotionally empowered in all aspects of their lives.

We were so engrossed in our conversation that we did not see the time fly by. Presented here is just a summary of some of the interesting things we discussed.

Magic Bag: What is emotional intelligence?

Lisa Stott: Emotional intelligence is when you can connect your mind with your heart, when you achieve a balance between the rational and the emotional. Psychologist Daniel Goleman put the term on the world map and defined four emotional intelligence pillars [or competencies].

1. Self-awareness: how well do you know yourself? How aware are you of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviour? This is the most important pillar.
2. Self-management. Are you able to manage your emotions? Can you create a distance between a stimulus, a trigger—whether it is something someone said, your own thoughts, or a situation—and how you choose to respond?
3. Social awareness. Are you able to recognize other people’s emotions? Showcasing empathy is the key competency in social awareness.
4. Relationship management. This is a bit of a mix of the three other competencies. To manage relationships well, you need to have good social awareness, self-management, and self-awareness. Relationship management is also where communication with others comes into play, and conflict management, whether at home or in the workplace.

MB: What are the consequences of low emotional intelligence?

LS: There are two consequences:

• Boo boos in the body
• Problems in our relationships

Emotions are messages our body sends us that we need to interpret and act on. If we don’t listen to the messages, our body keeps sending them and they circulate through our body. If emotions aren’t expressed, it creates illness or boo boos in the body. Negative emotions become embedded in our cells. That’s why developing our emotional intelligence is so important. We need to be aware of our emotion, to welcome it, accept it, observe it, name it […] because just by naming it, you can escape the emotional loop. This allows us to transform the emotion and get it out of our body. Because if you keep it in, it will only intensify and that literally creates boo boos in the body and emotional stress. That’s when we see health issues surface. It affects our health in the long term. Because mental, emotional, and physical health are all connected.

MB: How can emotional intelligence help manage stress and negative emotions?

LS: Emotions are your biggest ally. If you just change the interpretation: when you say, “I’m super sad,” or “I’m really mad,” you associate yourself so much with that emotion. If you identify too much with the emotion, with the thought, you become it. What is important is to disassociate yourself fully from the emotion and to see the emotion as merely information. An emotion is just information your body is sending you. So, if you say, “yeah, I’m feeling sad or mad, but what is that sadness or anger trying to tell me?” well then you automatically distance yourself from it. The more you disassociate yourself from the emotion, the easier it will be to observe it and try to understand what it is trying to tell you. It’s very difficult for people to welcome and accept a [negative] emotion because it’s not fun. But if I pretend it’s not there, will it go away? No. The electric signals will keep getting sent, because there is a need hidden behind that emotion that is not being satisfied. And that emotion will just get stronger and stronger and when it is always present we become addicted to that emotion. Like stress. Stress is more addictive than cigarettes, than nicotine.

MB: Why is emotional intelligence important in a family setting, particularly for women?

LS: Emotional intelligence is important for all family members. Our subconscious dictates about 95% of our daily activities. And the subconscious is developed between the ages of approximately 0 and 7 so until then kids are being programmed. Everything they see their parents do or feel goes into their subconscious so it’s very important that both parents develop their emotional intelligence.

MB: How do you measure emotional intelligence?

LS: There are different tests to measure your emotional quotient (EQ). I’m a certified emotional intelligence coach so I can administer then to individuals and groups. There are psychometric tests you can take.

MB: What role does empathy play in developing emotional intelligence, and how can it be nurtured in the workplace?

LS: Empathy, in my opinion, is the second most important competency to develop. The less empathy there is, the more division there is. And the world is very divided right now. That’s why this is the key skill to develop in 2024 and 2025. In companies, in organizations, between countries.

But you cannot have real empathy if you do not develop your self-awareness, the most important competency to develop. Empathy does not mean being kind to another person. That’s not empathy.

Empathy is about active listening. Not giving advice. Empathy is being sincerely interested in what the person is saying. And being mindful that how you see the world may not be how they see it. Understanding their point of view, what they are experiencing, what they need. Listen and ask questions: what are you feeling? What do you need? And be comfortable with silence. That can be hard but silence can be so powerful. It lets the other person think and gives them the time to express themselves. Because what is hidden behind every human being is a fundamental need: the need to be seen, heard, and valued. To express our emotion and get empathy.

When someone is angry, try it. Put yourself in listening mode. Automatically their anger will subside. Because you are responding to a need. And often behind anger there is sadness. This can be applied as much in business as at home.

MB: Can you provide examples of how emotional intelligence can influence leadership styles and decision-making processes, especially in organizations?

LS: There are four things that make a good leader:

1. Authenticity
2. Coaching skills
3. Perspective
4. Innovation

1. Being impulsive
2. Low stress tolerance
3. Poor problem-solving skills
4. Independence

Leaders often have problems making decisions and that impacts a team’s well-being. They are often too much on the rational side and not in tune with the emotional. You need to find a good balance. Because someone who is disconnected from their emotions is often disconnected from their values and intuition. And that person will not make good decisions. And if a leader has difficulty making decisions, the team will feel it. It will impact team engagement and confidence in their leader.  

MB: How can emotional intelligence be leveraged to promote diversity and inclusion in organizations?

LS: Inclusion requires empathy. That’s why it’s important to learn how to be empathetic. To help companies promote inclusion and diversity. It’s like if you visit a small town in China. Do you expect the people to speak French? No. Eat poutine? Swear like a Québécois? No. Empathy means visiting their part of the world, their “country.” To understand their point of view, what they are living, what they need.  

MB: What steps can organizations take to foster a culture of emotional intelligence and support women in developing their emotional intelligence competencies on International Women’s Day and beyond?

LS: Companies like to use buzzwords but they do not practise what they preach. Women aren’t coached, aren’t supported but then are expected to use their emotional intelligence to lead a team. But how? There is also a disconnect between a company’s discourse and reality. They need to walk the talk. Teach women how to draw from their emotional intelligence [to lead]. It’s important to implement coaching and training to help women develop their skills. This needs to be supported internally, it needs to be a priority for a company.

There needs to be overall coherence between a company’s mission, values, and culture.

MB: Are there any practical exercises to enhance emotional intelligence and self-awareness?

LS: There are so many exercises you can do.

Set an alarm at different times during the day. When it goes off, imagine there is a hidden camera filming you. What would it see at that moment? What am I thinking? What am I feeling? Keep a journal next to you and write it down. Then go about your day. What this does is work out your self-awareness muscle.

Journaling is also a good one. Do it in the morning, especially if you are anxious or stressed. That way you start your day by emptying the mind.

And what you eat. The gut is very important for happiness as it produces serotonin, which is the feel-good hormone. You really are what you eat.

To learn more about emotional intelligence and Lisa Stott, visit her website.